Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
