You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
