he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize