Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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