I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
