eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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