are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
