I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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