Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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