So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
