Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
oh god the rape fog is back!
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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