just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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