He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
