Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
