I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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