please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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