i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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