Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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