Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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