I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
what day is it and did you see me today?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize