I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My cat gives me a boner
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
