just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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