How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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