I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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