Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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