currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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