dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
