Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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