I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
