Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I did not marry a roomba.
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