Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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