Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
