Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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