True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
where are my eyebrows?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
