He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
