You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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