Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My ATM looks so different sober.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
