Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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