No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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