hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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