Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
