Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
