so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
