i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
