How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
