A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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