if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
