If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
