My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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