How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
