He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
it was like eating out sand paper
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
