Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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