Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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