dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
