So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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