Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
