i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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