The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
